I woke up at 4am Friday morning, April 29th feeling unwell. Within about ten minutes I noticed that the contractions were regular and quite painful. At 4:15am I began to realize that I needed some help… I couldn’t catch my breath and I was getting nervous. I went back to the bedroom, touched Dave on the shoulder and quickly said, “Dave.” He woke up instantly.
I was already noting my surprise at the level of intensity of the contractions, and thinking about a conversation from one of my birth preparation classes regarding labor pains… how we are programmed to believe that labor is painful when really it’s just very intense and overwhelming. It’s mind over matter, right? I tried to gear myself up for the next contraction and was quickly forced to rearrange my thoughts… this was definitely pain I was feeling! A very intense and scary pain.
At the next break I told Dave to call Sara, our doula, and BJ, our midwife. I know he asked me some questions, but all I remember is trying to catch my breath and how much worse it all felt when my eyes were open. The pain from the next contraction was indescribably overwhelming and next thing I know I find myself standing up and throwing up violently in the toilet.
Dave helped me put on some clothes and somehow I get downstairs and out the front door. As soon as we started moving I felt sick and really scared. I was trying to breathe and trying to relax but it seemed impossible. I couldn’t imagine experiencing any greater pain. When we reached the toll booth the pain was beyond scary and I started throwing up into a bag my mom had placed in the car.
We arrived at the hospital at about 5:45am. Time starts to blur. I think someone helped put me into a hospital gown. A lab tech arrived to give me an IV for the antibiotics and I pointed to a specific spot on my left hand and said, “You can use this vein and you get one try.” She smiled and said, “Okay!” and I don’t remember even feeling her put it in me. Upon reflection, this was such a miracle for me, given my IV experiences during my hospital stay earlier in the pregnancy. And it makes me smile to recall how easy it was to get my way with her.
I remember Sara telling me to look out the window at the ocean to search for whales. I had no idea how close together the contractions were, all I knew was that I felt like I couldn’t breath and I was scared out of my mind.
All I wanted was relief. I felt entirely outside of myself with tension and fear. If I could have caught my breath I would have been crying. Then Sara suggested that I listen to the music and I focused on that for a while and found it very helpful and distracting.I was feeling somewhat aware at this point that I was not handling my contractions very well. Then Sue, my nurse, grabbed my shoulder and said, “Open your eyes.” I hated to open my eyes because it seemed to hurt more. So I shut them and she said, “No! Open your eyes. Look at me.” I stared at her and then she said, “I want you to do this: Hee Hee Hee Hee Haaaaaa… now take a breath.” And so we started to do a little Lamaze together and I was startled at how much easier things seemed to be when I did it, but I couldn’t actually remember to do it unless someone was telling me to. So with every contraction she would lay her hands on me, command me to open my eyes and start breathing with me. It was incredible and exactly what I needed at that moment.
BJ checked me and told me I was at 4cm and I felt crushed. I was so thirsty and I kept throwing up between contractions and just feeling really really terrible. I heard someone whimpering and then realized it was me. I couldn’t believe how much pain I was in, how desperate I was feeling. How much I was suffering. The idea of experiencing even one more contraction without relief was really starting to freak me out. I was begging for help. I saw BJ, reached out my hand to her and said, “Please take it away!” and she immediately ordered 1mg of Newmorphan. It was 7am, we had only been there an hour.After the drug was administered to me I felt myself ease into the situation and just catch up mentally to what was happening. I think part of me was still in the bathroom at home wondering if I was in labor or not. I can’t say that the drug made me feel relaxed, but it certainly allowed me to regroup and catch up to the present moment. I was feeling more confident and liking the Lamaze, but still dizzy from the pain, still throwing up, and still freaked out about how long this was going to last.
Then something inside me changed and I started grunting and curling inwards with each contraction. I was trying really hard to relax my torso and my face, but I just couldn’t. I remember looking up at Sue during one particularly strong contraction and during what seemed like some incredibly primal sounding grunting I tried to give her a look like, “What is this?” BJ then checked me again and I was at 8cm. It had only been fifteen minutes
since I was at 4cm and it seemed miraculous that I had progressed so quickly.Sue, Sara and Dave held my legs up and I grasped my legs under my knees and pulled them towards my shoulders with each push. I tried to hold my breath and bare down, but it didn’t really seem like what I was doing really helped. My tailbone felt like it was going to shatter, there was so much pressure on it from the way I was sitting. And apparently there was a lot of internal pressure on it from the baby too, but I didn’t understand that at the time. I remember thinking that pushing was way overestimated… my head hurt from holding my breath and I didn’t really like being in the position of sitting with my legs up. So many stories that I’d heard made a point of the relief you feel once you get to the pushing stage. It was very hard work!
Dave was telling me that he could see the head. He would look over at me and say, “This much!” and hold up his fingers. I was so glad that he was happy. Then I started to feel like I could actually feel some change happening after a good push.
Next thing I know everyone was getting excited. The stinging seemed to stop, but the pushing felt the same as it did ten minutes before. I heard a strange noise and looked down and saw the head sticking out of me and BJ suctioning her mouth! I was so surprised! I think the rest of her came out on the next push, but all I remember is that I was still thinking about the head and then all of a sudden my baby Annabelle was on my chest squirming and wailing and Dave was saying, “Oh! Oh! Oh!” I hugged her and kissed her sticky bloody head and just stared and stared at her. I was still realizing that the labor was over. Things seemed to have gone so quickly. I looked at the clock, it was 9:20am. I looked at Dave and he looked so amazed.Some time went by and I delivered the placenta and BJ held it up so I could see it. It was smaller than I had expected. Then she clamped the cord and handed some scissors to Dave so he could cut it. I was in a daze and feeling exhilarated. I felt super great, floating high.
