A letter to my daughter on her first birthday.

Dear Annabelle,

I just put you down to sleep moments ago and am feeling guilty for being a bad mom so I thought I'd write you a letter.

Today is your first birthday. Aside from giving you a couple (unwrapped) gifts, I didn't really celebrate the day with you in any special way. Thank god we had a birthday party for you with everyone ten days ago otherwise my guilt would be tremendous. As it stands, my guilt is barely tolerable.

You see, your dad and I are moving to a new apartment. Hopefully our new home will bring us more joy! In this new place we are eager to hear your first words, watch you learn how to go from toddling to actually walking and running, see you learn how to do fun things like make cookies or draw with crayons, meet the new friends you make, and learn about what makes you special (like hearing about your favorite color, or a new book you like).

But today was the day that we had to move all our stuff. It was, unfortunately, also your birthday.

All week I've been taking you to our new place for a couple hours each day, hoping that you will get used to it and feel more comfortable when we move there permanently tomorrow. But after a few hours I can tell you really want to go home and play in the familiar places you play with the familiar toys that you have. Our new place is fun, and it has a bunch of new toys that are cool, but you like where we are, I know. Especially because Grama Carolyn and Grampa Ron are there too, and Aunt Sissy visits all the time. They rock your world.

But they promise to visit us at our apartment and I hope that soon you will feel like this new place is your home and not some place away from home that we are visiting.

I know today was hard on you. You were wired and too stimulated to eat well. You were tired all day and you kept falling down. It's hard to be hungry and feel like everything is so chaotic you can't relax enough to eat. I don't think you had a bad day, but it certainly wasn't your best day either. I feel like that's my fault and I'm so sorry.

You deserve to have your first birthday be super special. We should have gone to walk Balboa Island. We should have taken a ton of pictures. We should have wrapped your gifts and had a family party. We probably should have had a candle in a little cake for you too.

But we didn't do any of those things.

Instead your dad and I loaded and unloaded the truck. We shopped for groceries. We ate lunch standing up, in a hurry. We got in a fight about nothing. I fell down while carrying our mattress and swore. Your dad took you to a couple garage sales this morning so I could get an extra hour of sleep because you still like to get up at five am every morning. Everyone started out tired.

There are a couple wrapped gifts downstairs waiting for you. Tomorrow we are definitely going to celebrate! We'll have special time together playing with your new toys. I'll dress you in your new overalls from Grama Shirley. We'll play with your new legos and puzzle. We'll walk around the courtyard outside our apartment and touch all the flowers. We'll point and grunt at all the cats. We'll play peek-a-boo hundreds of times. I'll make you some plain rice and avocado with lemon- your favorite. I'll love you forever and ever.

And even with all the crazy-making of the day, you were still the absolute cutest girl I could ever imagine. Always happy to see me, waving hi from your car seat in the back, giggling when I chased you down the hallway, pointing at the dolls that I sewed for you and placed in your new windowsill, laughing whenever I did a silly dance.

You are amazing, sweet girl. Thank you for being mine. Happy birthday.

Happy Birthday Sweet Annabelle... a mother's birth story

I woke up at 4am Friday morning, April 29th feeling unwell. Within about ten minutes I noticed that the contractions were regular and quite painful. At 4:15am I began to realize that I needed some help… I couldn’t catch my breath and I was getting nervous. I went back to the bedroom, touched Dave on the shoulder and quickly said, “Dave.” He woke up instantly.

I was already noting my surprise at the level of intensity of the contractions, and thinking about a conversation from one of my birth preparation classes regarding labor pains… how we are programmed to believe that labor is painful when really it’s just very intense and overwhelming. It’s mind over matter, right? I tried to gear myself up for the next contraction and was quickly forced to rearrange my thoughts… this was definitely pain I was feeling! A very intense and scary pain.

At the next break I told Dave to call Sara, our doula, and BJ, our midwife. I know he asked me some questions, but all I remember is trying to catch my breath and how much worse it all felt when my eyes were open. The pain from the next contraction was indescribably overwhelming and next thing I know I find myself standing up and throwing up violently in the toilet.

Dave helped me put on some clothes and somehow I get downstairs and out the front door. As soon as we started moving I felt sick and really scared. I was trying to breathe and trying to relax but it seemed impossible. I couldn’t imagine experiencing any greater pain. When we reached the toll booth the pain was beyond scary and I started throwing up into a bag my mom had placed in the car.

We arrived at the hospital at about 5:45am. Time starts to blur. I think someone helped put me into a hospital gown. A lab tech arrived to give me an IV for the antibiotics and I pointed to a specific spot on my left hand and said, “You can use this vein and you get one try.” She smiled and said, “Okay!” and I don’t remember even feeling her put it in me. Upon reflection, this was such a miracle for me, given my IV experiences during my hospital stay earlier in the pregnancy. And it makes me smile to recall how easy it was to get my way with her.

I remember Sara telling me to look out the window at the ocean to search for whales. I had no idea how close together the contractions were, all I knew was that I felt like I couldn’t breath and I was scared out of my mind. All I wanted was relief. I felt entirely outside of myself with tension and fear. If I could have caught my breath I would have been crying. Then Sara suggested that I listen to the music and I focused on that for a while and found it very helpful and distracting.

I was feeling somewhat aware at this point that I was not handling my contractions very well. Then Sue, my nurse, grabbed my shoulder and said, “Open your eyes.” I hated to open my eyes because it seemed to hurt more. So I shut them and she said, “No! Open your eyes. Look at me.” I stared at her and then she said, “I want you to do this: Hee Hee Hee Hee Haaaaaa… now take a breath.” And so we started to do a little Lamaze together and I was startled at how much easier things seemed to be when I did it, but I couldn’t actually remember to do it unless someone was telling me to. So with every contraction she would lay her hands on me, command me to open my eyes and start breathing with me. It was incredible and exactly what I needed at that moment.

BJ checked me and told me I was at 4cm and I felt crushed. I was so thirsty and I kept throwing up between contractions and just feeling really really terrible. I heard someone whimpering and then realized it was me. I couldn’t believe how much pain I was in, how desperate I was feeling. How much I was suffering. The idea of experiencing even one more contraction without relief was really starting to freak me out. I was begging for help. I saw BJ, reached out my hand to her and said, “Please take it away!” and she immediately ordered 1mg of Newmorphan. It was 7am, we had only been there an hour.

After the drug was administered to me I felt myself ease into the situation and just catch up mentally to what was happening. I think part of me was still in the bathroom at home wondering if I was in labor or not. I can’t say that the drug made me feel relaxed, but it certainly allowed me to regroup and catch up to the present moment. I was feeling more confident and liking the Lamaze, but still dizzy from the pain, still throwing up, and still freaked out about how long this was going to last.

Then something inside me changed and I started grunting and curling inwards with each contraction. I was trying really hard to relax my torso and my face, but I just couldn’t. I remember looking up at Sue during one particularly strong contraction and during what seemed like some incredibly primal sounding grunting I tried to give her a look like, “What is this?” BJ then checked me again and I was at 8cm. It had only been fifteen minutes since I was at 4cm and it seemed miraculous that I had progressed so quickly.

Sue, Sara and Dave held my legs up and I grasped my legs under my knees and pulled them towards my shoulders with each push. I tried to hold my breath and bare down, but it didn’t really seem like what I was doing really helped. My tailbone felt like it was going to shatter, there was so much pressure on it from the way I was sitting. And apparently there was a lot of internal pressure on it from the baby too, but I didn’t understand that at the time. I remember thinking that pushing was way overestimated… my head hurt from holding my breath and I didn’t really like being in the position of sitting with my legs up. So many stories that I’d heard made a point of the relief you feel once you get to the pushing stage. It was very hard work!

Dave was telling me that he could see the head. He would look over at me and say, “This much!” and hold up his fingers. I was so glad that he was happy. Then I started to feel like I could actually feel some change happening after a good push.

Next thing I know everyone was getting excited. The stinging seemed to stop, but the pushing felt the same as it did ten minutes before. I heard a strange noise and looked down and saw the head sticking out of me and BJ suctioning her mouth! I was so surprised! I think the rest of her came out on the next push, but all I remember is that I was still thinking about the head and then all of a sudden my baby Annabelle was on my chest squirming and wailing and Dave was saying, “Oh! Oh! Oh!” I hugged her and kissed her sticky bloody head and just stared and stared at her. I was still realizing that the labor was over. Things seemed to have gone so quickly. I looked at the clock, it was 9:20am. I looked at Dave and he looked so amazed.

Some time went by and I delivered the placenta and BJ held it up so I could see it. It was smaller than I had expected. Then she clamped the cord and handed some scissors to Dave so he could cut it. I was in a daze and feeling exhilarated. I felt super great, floating high.

Wedding Bells

So we have three weddings to attend this summer. Shopping for dresses (for Annabelle) has been fun, but trying them on and having fashion shows is a bunch of work.

I've never been very fashionably-abled... Which ones are your favorites?

Such a big girl!

Someone got to turn her carseat around...

Little Annabelle isn't so little any more!

To Sleep Or Not To Sleep

This morning I woke up simply because I was done sleeping.

There was no baby crying. No noise. The birds outside were chirping. The sunlight was streaming in through the window. I missed the sunrise!

It was a beautiful, beautiful thing.

Annabelle didn't sleep through the night, but she was only up twice. Miraculous in its own right.

And then Dave walked in to tell me that she slept in till eight am. Our daughter hasn't slept past 5:30am more than a few times. And usually that's only to 6:15am. It's a rare day that both Dave and I feel rested. And it's Saturday!

Hurray for today!!

Remembering San Francisco - The 2002 Rock Star Party

Was this really us? God, did we kick ass or what?

Easter Day Brag Book

Annabelle's first Easter basket, a gift from Grama Carol and Grampa Ron... lots of pointing and grunting and all the bows and colors.

(Please ignore the nasty bruise on her cheek! Learning to walk is tough work.)

The toys in the basket held her attention all day long! Lots of fun for everyone...

(Maybe I should have photoshopped that bruise off her face for the blog?)

She especially enjoyed the bows...

Tired baby at the end of a long, fun filled day with the whole family.

Please, please, please sleep tonight. Please.

Annabelle is finally becoming fun!

Having a baby has its positives: everyone ooohs and aaahs, it's great to see her learn important stuff like rolling over, and talking about poopy diapers never seems to go out of style...

But it also has its negatives: everyone ooohs and aaahs, the important stuff is learning rolling over, and talking about poopy diapers never seems to go out of style...

Sigh.

But Dave and I have reached a new high- Annabelle is interacting with us, she is developing her own will, and it's great to see her personality really begin to shine. She knows when we are making jokes and she knows how to tease us back. Before I knew Annabelle I would have thought that a baby under one couldn't possibly make a joke or communicate well enough to actually tease her mom or dad, but it's true, I swear!

Example Number One - We are finally getting her to eat from a spoon. It's inconsistent, but works with certain foods, like avocado. (But only if the avocado is mixed up with salt, pepper, and enough lemon juice to make me pucker. The more lemon the more she gulps down.) If we are spoon feeding her a new food or some unflavored avocado she will take one bite and then refuse any more attempts. But if we persist, asking her to please try another bite, she will lean forward, press her lips to the spoon without opening her mouth, then pull away and move her jaw up and down like she's chewing and then open her mouth to show that it's empty. She seriously seems to be trying to fake me out! Is it possible she is smart enough to know how to do that?

Example Number Two - Annabelle was ripping up an envelope and putting the paper in her mouth. Not wanting her to eat paper I said, "nuh-uh!" and held out my hand. She took the paper out of her mouth and placed it in my hand. I said, "Thank you!" Repeat this about three times. Then she ripped another piece and I simply held out my hand and she took this fifth piece out of her mouth and placed it in my hand while I said, "Thank you!" Repeat twice more. Then she took another piece of paper and held it up to her lips while watching me, smiling. She handed that over and then crawled away from me and sat down with her back facing me. She ripped another piece and put it in her mouth. I said, "Annabelle?" knowing that she was eating paper and we just went through a five minute don't-eat-paper training session. She looked down at the torn envelope and just started chuckling, shoulders heaving up and down. Hilarious. I walked over to her and she looked up with a big smile and opened her mouth wide so I could fish the paper out of it.

It's so great to see her share her toys with us, copy us, try to do something we just showed her how to do, learn new words, try new tricks... her latest tricks include:

• walking unassisted about six feet!
• laying her head down on a nearby pillow whenever you say, "aaaahhhh, the baaaabyyyyy"
• screeching at the top of her lungs when she wants to be picked up
• picking out the named toy from a group of three or four, asking "where's the little girl?"
• pointing to various pictures in a book, "where's the apple?"
• blows raspberries whenever she sees Dave or wants to amuse herself, "bbblllllppphttt!" spraying spit everywhere

Anyway, we're proud parents. And we are really looking forward to hearing her thoughts on just about everything. And given how hilarious we think we are, she's probably going to fit right in.

Tuesday's brag book.

Walking balboa one day a few months ago... Annabelle loves her daddy!

Our most favorite outfit ever. This was a gift from Grama Shirley from New Potatoes, a children's clothing store in downtown Novato up in Marin County.

Momma and Annabelle on our Mexican Riviera cruise... hanging out in our cabin.

"Whale Watching" in Cabo San Lucas, where whale watching actually means getting plowed because the captain and his crew know there aren't any whales so they have to fill every adult with lots and lots of very alcoholic drinks so that they forget they paid $75 for the stupid trip. This was SUPER FUN for me and Annabelle, who weren't drinking. But this photo was snapped when she clapped for the very first time, mimicking a drunken woman who was clapping on the other side of the boat.

Walking around the Puerto Vallarta boardwalk area after a great lunch... you can barely see our cruise ship in the background.

Doing laundry with mom. "How old are you?"

Balboa again... pretty day just a couple weeks ago.

Baby's Got a New Pair of Shoes

Every weekend the whole family drives to Balboa Island to grab some chicken tacos, walk the perimeter of the island, occasionally do a little shopping, catch some sun, people watch, etc.

Today we stopped at Teddy Bears and Tea Cups and bought Annabelle her first pair of shoes! They increased Annabelle's cute factor by about five. And after about a ten minute investigation, she didn't mind them at all for the remainder of the day.

Now, I know there are parents out there who are totally into getting lots of awesome shoes for their babies. I'm not one of them. And that's why first-shoe-day is an official day of celebration in the Angel Baby household!

I also know that it is considered an affront to mankind to have your baby go shoe-less in Beverly Hills. Last month Dave and I took Annabelle up there to stroll around and I had about 12 people tell me that my baby needed shoes. And not only that, but two women directed me to the nearest store where I could purchase some for her to wear that afternoon. After the fifth or sixth person navigating me towards parental redemtion (via the purchase of some shoes) the situation became laughable. I appeared to be the only one who thinks that a baby that doesn't know how to walk doesn't need shoes. Especially if that baby lives in Southern California, where the temperature is almost always in the 70s.

I do, however, believe in hats. And our collection of hats is admirable.

Exactly 1 year ago today...

They say you forget. But I don't think I ever will. Wow.

My last wish.

I recently read a story about a five year old boy that just had surgery to remove a tumor. In the surgery he lost his sight, but the doctors were able to save his life. He is coping with this loss like anyone would, I'm sure, who wasn't expecting to lose their sight. But to suffer such a huge loss at five seems unbelievable to me. And it scares me. There is nothing I can do to prevent the same thing happening to Annabelle. There is no way I can know for sure that we won't have to survive such a trial. I can only hope that whatever comes our way that we will just survive.

And I was reminded of a conversation that I had with Dave after Annabelle was first born. I was telling him how, when I was young I used to pray, "Please don't let me die before I have my first kiss. Please. Please." and then in high school my wish changed, "Please please don't let me die before I go to college. Please, I really really want to go to college. Please." And then in my twenties, "Please don't let me die before I get married. I love this man and my last wish is just to marry him. Please." And later, "Please don't let me die before I have a baby. For real this time, seriously, this is my last wish. A baby. Please."

And then I had Annabelle.

And all I could think was, "Please, God, please don't let her die. Please. Please..."

When I consider what I would (and will!) do for her I am overwhelmed... And I know what it feels like to truly know that you would die for someone.

Too bad I had to be downstairs cooking dinner.

A wonderful moment for this stalker mom and her camera: Dave and Annabelle sharing a late afternoon nap.

Walk this way...

Annabelle took her first steps today!

First four steps forward and then a few minutes later she took a few sidesteps. Dave had just come home from work and was playing with her in the kitchen. With his eyes glued to her, he provided the commentary and it was clear who most enjoyed this milestone:

"Everyone! She's walking! There's one step. And another! ANOTHER! OH MY GOD SHE'S WALKING! She's doing it!! Everyone she's WALKING!!!"

There's something that feels so special when I get to witness Dave's true enjoyment of Annabelle. It's during those times I most feel like a wife, and am most glad to have that feeling. More than feeling the excitement of Annabelle's new achievement, I am overwhelmed by those lovey-dovey feelings for Dave, the larger than life this-is-the-best-thing-that's-ever-happened-to-me feelings.

And, to be honest, it's a relief to still have those feelings after 11 months of extreme sleep deprivation. Only in the last few weeks has Annabelle moved from nursing every 2 hours around the clock to nursing only twice (and sometimes only once!) between the hours of 8pm and 5am. We had tried everything and came to the conclusion that the smartest thing a parent can do is work with their child instead of trying to fit their baby or their situation into that which only exists in the pediatrician's head/book.

Romancing the Spoon

Annabelle is honing her multi-tasking skills... all playing, crawling, dancing, and talking is done with a spoon flipped upwards in her mouth.

We're all hoping this isn't her attachment object.

Probably the funniest thing about it is that she refuses to eat from a spoon.

I'm just glad that it matches her sweater.

And now we're on to words...

Yesterday Annabelle said her first word.

Drum roll please: it was "Mama." And just to be sure that everyone was clear about it, she said it over and over all day long. There was no mistake.

I was a little surprised because every single day for the past six months I've been pointing at Dave and saying, "Daddy." During the quiet moments between stacking cups and knocking them down I have chanted, "Daddy. Daddy." Our walks around the house always include a couple stops at pictures of her being held by Dave, I'd point and again recite, "Daddy."

And though I might have been surprised, it was still totally gratifying. I secretly threw a fist in the air and whispered "Yes!"