Halloween

This year, I unexpectedly took Annabelle Trick-or-Treating for the first time! I had thought I might put it off another year, but a colleague from school invited us to join her family. Her youngest daughter is exactly one hour older than Annabelle (!) and the girls get along like old friends.

(An aside :: It is so nice to see that the girls are friends at school too and enjoy each other without parental influence, especially knowing that they will definitely begin first grade together when they are six years old. It adds a new dimension to seeing them play together, knowing that they will be friends for the next ten years, or even for the rest of their lives...)

Upon arriving at my friend's house I realized that I hadn't told Annabelle a thing about Halloween! She's learned a lot in recent weeks from the other children at school, but none of it has been talked about at home. Still in the car, I turned to her in the back seat...

Me :: Annabelle, do you know what we are going to do tonight?

Annabelle :: We are going Tricker Treating!

Me :: What does that mean?

Annabelle :: That means we are going to drive to a store and buy some candy!

Whoops. So I shared some details about the activity that we were about to try out, telling her how fun it is to meet new people and have them give us little treats. She immediately voiced her anxiety about visiting a bunch of strangers and asked if I would please be the one to knock on the door. We got out of the car and headed into my friend's house and within about a millisecond of observing the other children's enthusiasm and excitement, Annabelle could hardly wait.

Together with the others we began a casual stroll down a quiet residential street at dusk. Nearly every house had a few simple decorations and the porch lights were all on... we went to our first house and I took a picture just as Annabelle came sprinting down the driveway to show me that some nice lady had given her CANDY! The look on her face said, "Oh my god this is going to be the best night of my life."


For the next hour the children literally sprinted as fast as possible from door to door. I was relieved that I had decided to wear my running shoes! We quickly had to create a rule that the two girls had to wait at the end of the driveway until an adult could be there to walk with them.

At one point Annabelle stumbled on the sidewalk and dumped the entire contents of her basket onto the street. We helped her gather the candy back into her basket and went on our way. Less than one minute later, I snapped this picture of them waiting on the driveway while overhearing their conversation...


Friend :: Remember when you tripped and all your candy spilled?

Annabelle :: Yes.

Friend :: And remember when they helped you pick it all up?

Annabelle :: Yes.

Friend :: I almost cried for you.

Towards the end of the walk we came to one house that had set up a basket full of candy on the porch, with a little sign inviting visitors to help themselves. As the girls reached up to take their share, I leaned over and whispered...

Me :: Let's play a funny joke!

Girls :: (wide eyed and smiling) Yeah!

Me :: Instead of taking candy from this basket, let's dump all of OUR candy into it!

Girls :: YEAH!!!!!

And so the candy was unloaded into the basket. Amazingly, they still ended the night with a huge collection of treats. We walked into my friend's home and I told Annabelle that it was time for the very last part of Halloween, the part where she gets to choose one piece for herself and two pieces to save for Daddy... because the Halloween fairy was coming to our friend's house that night to get the rest.

We left a big pile of chocolate and candy on the carpet. But we made quite a little memory for us both! Such a spontaneous night, much more fun than I would have ever expected. Annabelle fell asleep in the car within just a couple minutes of the drive home.

I placed her chosen lollipop right next to her banana on the kitchen counter so she can grab them both after she wakes up tomorrow morning. It will be so fun to talk about it all in the morning! And I'm so glad I didn't wait till next year...

Telling on the truth

Annabelle :: Guess what?

Me :: What?

Annabelle :: Today in the playground Jasper tripped me and I fell down.

Me :: Really? Are you okay?

Annabelle :: And then he told Teacher Carole that I pushed him.

Me :: He did?

(long pause)

Annabelle :: Guess what?

Me :: What?

Annabelle :: (eyes wide, mouth open, looking incredibly amazed, with her hands palms up) Jasper was telling the truth and I was NOT telling the truth!

Dawn

From my bedroom balcony... untouched!

My mom is a teacher now...

Just eight weeks into the school year and I can honestly say that Annabelle has spent countless hours with me in my classroom. We paint together as I do my prep work for painting, we form clay together, she listens to me practice my songs, stories, and verse. She joins me while I make up movements for circle time. When I am working at my desk she works at hers.


She has also informed me that she will never go to the first grade and plans to remain in kindergarten for five more years.

Annabelle has the distinction of being the youngest FAB child (Faculty, Admin, Board) at the school. It's a really wonderful group of children, and they seem to group together and watch out for each other. I overheard the 9 year old daughter of the fourth grade teacher talking to Annabelle a couple weeks ago.

Friend :: Your mom is the first grade teacher?

Annabelle :: Yes.

Friend :: That means you're FAB. And FAB kids are COOL.

It's so nice to feel that Annabelle is really having a good time coming to school. And having that feeling reinforced by the relationships she is developing with other children is such a relief! The children that Annabelle refers to as her friends range from kindergarten all the way through eighth grade. I can easily say she has a "friend" in each grade... which speaks to her precocious sociability, I suppose, as well as a confirmation that this is where she belongs.

And me too, I belong here too. I feel so fortunate that my closest colleagues are my peers at work but also in the world: we are all about the same age, married, with children, and closely aligned with the values that support our work. We are the lower grades teachers, grades 1 through 4... and will move through the curriculum side by side. I genuinely value diversity, but I have to say that the similarities we share offer a sense of comfort I have really needed as I come into a new community and leave my stay-at-home-mom life behind.

This coming month presents more big change for us: we are moving again. The beauty and art that surrounds us here in this amazing home is remarkable but we could no longer deny that we belong elsewhere. Thankfully we found a place that suits us very well and places us closer to the school and within walking distance of Dave's future office building. While the idea of moving sounds stressful, we have also struggled to feel settled and the move will give us a real chance to dig in for a while. Hopefully many years!

We are looking forward to the new year with great anticipation...

Bounce House

It seems that around here having a bounce house is compulsory if you are going to put up a tent in a parking lot and call it a pumpkin patch. And, so, for eight dollars I bought Annabelle thirty minutes of all-you-can-bounce time in the huge pirate ship / great white shark bounce house eye sore off a major thoroughfare.

I can guarantee she'll sleep through the night tonight.

Fresh Ideas

Annabelle :: Guess what!?!

Me :: What?

Annabelle :: I have a light in my belly. When I'm happy, it's on! When I'm sad, it's off.

(she fumbles with her shirt)

Annabelle :: Click! IT'S ON!!

Angels Everywhere :: obscure, beautiful, strange

Every room, and nearly every hallway is graced by an angel. Some are quite beautiful, some traditional. Some are barely recognizable. Some are disturbing, some only stand as a gentle reminder...

Bright Star

Work? Movie? Memorize a poem? Watch a movie about poetry? Go to bed early? Enjoy a couple hours to myself? Hmmm...

Jane Campion + John Keats = ((deep sighs))

The movie won.

Season of mists and mellow fruitfulness,
Close bosom-friend of the maturing sun;
Conspiring with him how to load and bless
With fruit the vines that round the thatch-eves run;
To bend with apples the moss'd cottage-trees,
And fill all fruit with ripeness to the core;
To swell the gourd, and plump the hazel shells
With a sweet kernel; to set budding more,
And still more, later flowers for the bees,
Until they think warm days will never cease,
For summer has o'er-brimm'd their clammy cells.

Who hath not seen thee oft amid thy store?
Sometimes whoever seeks abroad may find
Thee sitting careless on a granary floor,
Thy hair soft-lifted by the winnowing wind;
Or on a half-reap'd furrow sound asleep,
Drows'd with the fume of poppies, while thy hook
Spares the next swath and all its twined flowers:
And sometimes like a gleaner thou dost keep
Steady thy laden head across a brook;
Or by a cyder-press, with patient look,
Thou watchest the last oozings hours by hours.

Where are the songs of spring? Ay, where are they?
Think not of them, thou hast thy music too, -
While barred clouds bloom the soft-dying day,
And touch the stubble-plains with rosy hue;
Then in a wailful choir the small gnats mourn
Among the river sallows, borne aloft
Or sinking as the light wind lives or dies;
And full-grown lambs loud bleat from hilly bourn;
Hedge-crickets sing; and now with treble soft
The red-breast whistles from a garden-croft;
And gathering swallows twitter in the skies.

On my walk

Through the neighborhood I have charted out a walk that I like. Just down the hill, and up another, then turn around and come back. I rarely get passed by more than one or two cars, and occasionally cross paths with a neighbor walking their dog or some deer... a true time to breathe.

Annabelle hangs out in the stroller, and sometimes asks me to go faster. For now, being pulled by 45 pounds down a hill or pushing that weight on the way up is enough work!

This time I remembered my camera, to share a glimpse of our neighbor's sculpture.

Our House - Without

Today Annabelle and I took a tasting tour of the property. I really had not entirely realized how much delicious fruit is growing here... First I picked an orange and while wiping the juice from my chin I looked up and noticed the pomegranates! What an experience, reaching high on my tip toes, snapping one off the branch, cracking it open against a stone block on the patio and handing one half to Annabelle... her eyes wide with surprise.

With pomegranates in hand, we wandered over to see the kiwi fruits, but they were not yet ripe. Neither were the limes or lemons, though the peach season seems to have ended. There were still some wild strawberries scattered among the deep green ground cover so we plucked those up.

Around the driveway we found some cherry-like fruits that I couldn't identify, so I tried one (but didn't share with Annabelle in case they weren't actually safe) and then we wandered into the orange grove and found a tangerine tree. Annabelle picked one herself and at first taste promptly shoved as much of it in her mouth as she possibly could. I tried to stop her, but in the end we just laughed! The persimmon tree had ripe fruit too, early I think, but they tasted just awful.

In the garden I picked the last of the ripe tomatoes and some herbs, and noted several budding roses... what a place this is! What a joy to spend an hour wandering and discovering...

(PS Annabelle did actually tell me that her GERD was acting up after all the tasting we did, but I kind of think it was worth it. We had so much fun.)

Looking past the pebble patio, the persimmon tree leads to the orange grove where you can see the yellow rabbit holding court.



My oak tree, towering over the corner of our bedroom and shadowing the pool below.




A mermaid sits between the Boxwood.


Standing in the front doorway, looking down the path that reaches to one of the driveways. The pool is visible to visitors coming up the walk, off to the left of this picture.


Angels and fairies are EVERYWHERE in the house and outside.


Standing underneath the oak.


The view of the valley from Annabelle's bedroom window. Full moon rising past another oak tree on the other side of the house.

Searching

I've moved a lot in my life. A LOT. A lot a lot a lot.

And once, last Spring, concerned for myself, I asked a doctor about it. I told her that I feel so unsettled everywhere I go and I can't seem to find where I belong. And so I keep searching. And I live somewhere just long enough to figure out that it isn't THERE, and then leave.

What she told me was so simple: the thing I'm searching for is inside of me. And, suddenly, I understood what I needed to do. But the next move was already happening - I found my dream job, I found my school community, my interview was not only successful but loads of fun, I enjoyed my visits to California, and everything was falling into place with an incredibly strange sense of synchronicity.

With the exception of one thing: I didn't want to leave.

And here I am, almost two months later, blissful in my work at the school, settling into our new home, pleased with Annabelle's kindergarten and new friends, thankful for our health and all the many things we share in this life that are beautiful, feeling connected to my husband, grateful to work with a very mature and caring faculty, appreciating the short commute, loving the engaged and awake feeling in the silicon valley... but I am lonely.

Making friends is hard for me. It takes me so long to finally feel seen, feel comfortable, feel like I don't have to preface myself or follow up and apologize. And I know that if I dug around this very blog I'd find posts just like this one, speaking to my frustrations, sadness, and anxiety about wanting a friend.

It makes it so easy to throw myself into my work and my studies. Already my co-workers have asked me, "Where do you find the time?" Just as my peers in my training program did for the last two years...


As I was driving to California in August, on my way through Eugene, two friends surprised me by waving flags on an overpass to say goodbye. I caught them in this shot, tiny dots against the grey skies of Oregon. I bawled for several hours that day, on the long drive.

I know this post is... very real. I try to make this blog be something that speaks to optimism, even when life feels heavy. But today I am just here, in this place, searching again. It isn't easy.