And once, last Spring, concerned for myself, I asked a doctor about it. I told her that I feel so unsettled everywhere I go and I can't seem to find where I belong. And so I keep searching. And I live somewhere just long enough to figure out that it isn't THERE, and then leave.
What she told me was so simple: the thing I'm searching for is inside of me. And, suddenly, I understood what I needed to do. But the next move was already happening - I found my dream job, I found my school community, my interview was not only successful but loads of fun, I enjoyed my visits to California, and everything was falling into place with an incredibly strange sense of synchronicity.
With the exception of one thing: I didn't want to leave.
And here I am, almost two months later, blissful in my work at the school, settling into our new home, pleased with Annabelle's kindergarten and new friends, thankful for our health and all the many things we share in this life that are beautiful, feeling connected to my husband, grateful to work with a very mature and caring faculty, appreciating the short commute, loving the engaged and awake feeling in the silicon valley... but I am lonely.
Making friends is hard for me. It takes me so long to finally feel seen, feel comfortable, feel like I don't have to preface myself or follow up and apologize. And I know that if I dug around this very blog I'd find posts just like this one, speaking to my frustrations, sadness, and anxiety about wanting a friend.
It makes it so easy to throw myself into my work and my studies. Already my co-workers have asked me, "Where do you find the time?" Just as my peers in my training program did for the last two years...
As I was driving to California in August, on my way through Eugene, two friends surprised me by waving flags on an overpass to say goodbye. I caught them in this shot, tiny dots against the grey skies of Oregon. I bawled for several hours that day, on the long drive.
I know this post is... very real. I try to make this blog be something that speaks to optimism, even when life feels heavy. But today I am just here, in this place, searching again. It isn't easy.
