Last weekend I scoured the cookie aisle at Whole Foods trying to find any pre-packaged cookie that Annabelle could safely eat. It was almost impossible. But I landed a brand that had only one questionable item in the ingredients list. I wondered: Was a cookie was worth a stomach ache? Today it would be! We bought the package and took it with us to a party.
How joyous to watch Annabelle walk around with that box, showing everyone that SHE was eating cookies! And then, with anyone who asked, so willingly share one with them! It was beautiful to see her have a chance to feel like a regular kid, happy to have something special and sweet. It was almost a fantasy, standing back and watching her celebrate the occasion.
As Annabelle grows she is beginning to understand more clearly that there are certain foods that she is not allowed to eat. I know I've talked a lot about this here, but as her perception of this reality matures it affects how everyone in the house relates to food. One of the primary results is that her negotiating skills are out of this world. Especially considering she just turned five a few months ago.
Annabelle :: Mom, what would you think if we just tried raspberries today? What if I just had two and then asked for one more? What if I asked without crying?
or
Annabelle :: I know! I will try eating chocolate today, then wait two days, then eat it again, then wait two days, then eat it again, then wait two days, then eat it again, then wait two days, then eat it again. That will work!
or
Annabelle :: Do you think I could not be off dairy for a while?
or
Annabelle :: Just a little? I'll take a small bite, a teeny-weeny bite, a fairy bite! No, two fairy bites! No, three fairy bites! Just three fairy bites? That's okay, right mom? I can do that, right? Four fairy bites? (shrugs shoulders and nods head) Yes, that will work. Right? We can just try that today and I won't worry about it. Okay? Five fairy bites is no big deal. Yes. Good. Okay, let's do that.
We are constantly pushing in some direction, trying to open up her diet in a new way. I try to choose foods that open the most doors, like introducing eggs a couple months ago... This week I actually removed eggs from her diet and she is doing so much better! It is hard not to overdo something (like the eggs that she was eating every day) and then push the envelope too fast and too hard just to have it backlash. It is not easy to gauge when or how this happens, and I think we'll be able to reintroduce eggs really soon, but maybe keep it to a once or twice a week food. We'll see. Potatoes are next and I will go very slowly.
Two days ago Annabelle had a playdate with a little girl who is the closest she's ever had to having a best friend. I made a big deal about taking an extra cookie to share with her friend and she talked about how it would be a surprise that would be really fun. After the playdate we went to the grocery store and stopped in the cookie aisle so that I could get a second box for the week.
Annabelle :: My friend did a funny thing with the cookie I gave to her!
Me :: Really? What did she do?
Annabelle :: (laughing) She took ONE bite and then threw it down on the ground!
Me :: (gasp!)
Annabelle :: (still laughing) And then she said it was disgusting!
Me :: (trying very hard to hold on to my equanimity) Oh.
Annabelle :: (silent for a moment, then burst into tears)
I hugged her for a long time while she cried and then she told me that she never wanted to buy those cookies again. I wasn't sure what to do, but I agreed to find her an even better cookie. So we spent over twenty minutes pulling down every single gluten-free cookie bag or box off the shelf and organizing the least offensive choices over and over again until we narrowed it down to one. I tore open the bag and she tasted it and agreed that it was delicious.
Okay, so a second start.
But all the talk has been about whether or not her friend will actually like these cookies. There is anxiety, even though she loves them. I have been working through a wide range of options about how to respond to the situation. Downplay is usually the best choice and I think I'll do that here. But I also feel reluctant about encouraging her to share her new cookies with her friend. Besides, I tasted the cookies and even though they look like chocolate chip cookies, they certainly don't taste like them. I can't imagine any child who is accustomed to your average store-bought chocolate chip cookie actually enjoying them.
More than anything, however, I have wondered if it is usual to have this sort of situation arise between kindergarten friends. Is it a life lesson that would ultimately be good for her? Am I working to protect her too much? Does my striving to find a second bag of cookies only prolong the inevitable pain of watching the whole scenario happen again?
Why do I feel like it is extremely early in my daughter's life for me to be asking myself these questions? Being a parent is such a puzzle. I have met very few mothers who think they do a good job at parenting. But the women who seem to be relaxed have found a sense of peace in knowing that they truly have done the best they could. I definitely need to work on that! I must stop judging my own capacity as a mother on whether or not Annabelle seems happy. Because I know it is the fact that I judge myself that harms her the most! The mothers who are relaxed aren't doing any better than anyone else, but they are giving their children the gift of their own sense of peace and inner confidence.
The answers to my second guessing aren't important. What's most important is that I stop second guessing myself. Annabelle will recover and learn and in the meantime we'll spend every afternoon in the pool until school starts again. Playdates aren't nearly as important as curling up in bed together and reading Twig for the hundredth time. And we'll eat cookies and try summer fruits and adventurous smoothies and go on lots of bicycle rides too...
