Yesterday morning I freaked out. I was very hungry. I was angry at someone who was TWO hours late arriving at our apartment. (They never called and we were waiting to have breakfast until after their arrival.) I was frustrated that my day was already planned with chores and seemingly little fun time with my family.
I cracked. I became someone I've never seen before... a sobbing, screaming, angry woman. A woman who felt so entirely pent up with no outlet for her frustrations that she was clenching her hands and body. A woman who, in trying to explain herself to her confused (and probably scared) husband using lots of swear words and exclamations proceeded to punch the microwave with her right fist. Hard. Hard enough to bruise her hand and make a couple knuckles sore. Hard enough to make her husband restrain her, wondering if we were going to have to replace the microwave.
I really have no idea where all this anger is coming from. I am not an angry person! Happy!!! I am a happy person who uses too many exclamation marks in emails!! I am a woman who gets compliments from people saying, "Gosh! You are always smiling!" People have described me as having a "sunny personality" and wish they could match my optimism. Diplomacy and positivity are some of my key elements as a person.
WHAT IS MY DEAL??
One of my loyal readers suggested in an email that I might be depressed. Perhaps. But doesn't that come with hopelessness? Lack of motivation? I don't feel those things. I am familiar with depression and have never seen it manifest this way in me. (I'm not ruling it out, just talking out loud.)
Dave decided that we are going to take a road trip and get out of town for a few days. We're going up the coast. Only fun days allowed. Fun day followed by fun day times five. No chores. Lots of stops to explore. He bought me a book by the Lonely Planet, "Coastal California" to help me get started on getting together our itinerary. In the section about our state's culture and lifestyle there was this exert:
People are pleasant- sometimes to a fault. In fact, in polite society everyone is so determined to get along that it can be hard to find out what somebody really thinks. This increases the further south you go. Political correctness thrives along the coast. Sometimes it's annoying. If you stick around one of the larger metropolitan areas for a while, you'll inevitably exchange telephone numbers with a person who expresses interest in seeing you again. In most parts of the world that means, "call me". Not in California. It's just a nicety. Often the other person never calls, and if you make an attempt you may never hear back.
This all flies out the window on an extended middle finger on the state's always busy freeways. Road rage has become a serious problem... ...Expect to encounter self righteous, irrational, angry people who won't hesitate to cut you off, then flip you off.
After reading that I realized I had made so many mistakes: expecting return phone calls from the 12-15 women that have given me their phone number over the course of the last year, thinking that people only flip you off when you've done something wrong, believing that a smile is a smile. Essentially, people are SO much more shallow that I had initially thought.
I have never been very good at two things: Not taking things personally, and letting things slide off my back. If I could manage to learn how to do either (or both) my time in Orange County would greatly improve. Obviously.
When I read the passage to Dave he observed that both he and I have become MUCH more aggressive drivers than we ever had been previously. We have also developed more self-righteousness than either of us feels comfortable with. We each have an edge to our personalities that wasn't there two years ago. Sigh. What happened to our low-key, laid back hippy selves? We learned so much about how we wanted to live our lives during our two years in Arcata. It didn't seem possible that all of that could be undone in such a short time. We knew in advance that we would have to shelter each other here, that we would be without the huge community we enjoyed in Humboldt County, that we would have to fend off the contagiousness of consumerism. We weren't quite expecting the onslaught of loneliness or the need to compromise just to survive.
Today we went to Seal Beach to walk around. It is probably one of the most liberal parts of Orange County. It was fun. There was definitely a different feeling there that I haven't felt throughout the county. It was a tad bit more relaxed. Some people drove cars that were more than five years old. We saw a couple bare chested men with beards grown out grey past their shoulders. It was such a nice day. A much needed nice day. We plan to go back...
